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Sunday, February 6, 2011

Another Decade

Two days more to go and 2010 will bid goodbye...next year is not only another year but ANOTHER DECADE...oh gosh! so what now??

Am I going to start counting how many fine lines revealed every time I laughed or cry? No. In fact I don't have any fine lines visible in my skin surface yet. My healthy lifestyle helps a lot. My biological clock is not ticking so fast, in fact it is not entering red zone yet.

Last Night, I started writing everything I want to accomplish next decade. Contemplating again what my future looks like. Where my life is heading. I didn't come home this Christmas, contrary to what I'd planned earlier this season. I have so many task to do. I spent everyday, since December 23, writing case analysis and journal critiques for my marketing management subject in the grad studies.

I want to finish the 20 case studies, assignments, journal readings in order to free my schedule next January and February because I will going to start working on a home-based writing job.

This is quite stressful as the demand of the job required me to write at least five articles and make a lot of research and readings, but it doesn't matter, I love it. It is where my world belongs, writing and research always make me feel complete, it is my happiness. When I finished my MBA, I want to join entrepreneurship and make writing a lifetime career. I hate office work, it's like living in a hell!It feels like I am a robot, stupid and damn individual, but I have to endure it until I finished my grad studies.

I felt guilty because I slightly abandoned my French audio tutorial lessons and my two fiction manuscripts I am planning to finish early next year but my tight schedule left no room to accommodate these tasks!It seems I am always running out of time that the twenty-four hour cycle is not enough to do the things I want to finish.

Personally, I am still struggling to eradicate the emotional upheaval gushing deep inside, it's just so utterly ridiculous to hope for some miracle to land in my palm so I darted my mind on some profitable things, but towards the end of the day everything keeps repeating like a broken record. Now I wanted to fly far away from here to avoid something, but of course even if I am running one hundred miles away, I could not run from myself, so better face it and wait how long my physical strength can endure the battle underneath.

I want to travel as far as Tuscany or Cornwall or Gloucestershire or Isle of Skye and take pictures! I want to explore the world and rediscover myself. It feels like I am concentrating on the future, so much so, that I forget life is happening NOW and not TOMORROW! I want to forget that I am a total mess, a total failure. I want to divert my attention from the humiliation I suffered which left a terrible mark in my self-esteem, I want to find out if other people find me interesting and attractive because it seems the devastating words of rejection still hovered in my horizon and refused to go.

Now, I am celebrating New Year alone...in my room with my laptop and my books. I want to spend time alone to think about my life as a whole, I want serenity and peace of mind to see the real road I am going to take. Last Christmas eve, I cried because I felt so empty and abandoned. After attending the Christmas eve at the Ateneo covered court, I walked alone, but I could feel the soft breeze brushing my skin as if sweeping the sadness deep inside, I saw happiness in the surroundings, the laughter and giggling of the people in their houses, the Christmas lights sparkled like evening stars.

I went to bed as soon as I reached my bedroom. I never had any Noche Buena, on the following day, I woke up late until my stomach growled in hunger, I only ate oatmeal with hot green tea. I know I could be happier if I went home but I chose not to. My only wish is for God to take all the pain and hurt I suffered so that I can concentrate in rebuilding my crumbled hopes.

For the past decade, I am not sure exactly if I planned my life accordingly, it seems all plans I made scattered like pieces of dust into the horizon. I am still left wandering in this bare earth thinking where is the road I should suppose to walk in. Did I over-estimate my goals? Or did I simply let things messed out around me. Of course I should not mop on things that already passed, I am still capable of doing things right on the coming years, but every time I looked back, I wonder why my destiny is forever welded in one corner.

Last decade, I am too preoccupied with my silly thought of getting married that I scrambled to find someone with a failed result. It's so silly but back then, I was busy writing my wedding script, sketching the house I want to build and preparing my wedding gown designs. I read books about parenting, about rearing kids, about "finishing school"--a common trend in Europe where GMRC concentration is the specialty. Gosh!

When 2010 arrives with no hint of Prince Charming, I totally crumpled my scripts and my plans. But...uhmmm...of course I found "the one", but I over-analyzed the circumstances and misinterpreted the signal, so I ended up thrown out on the road hemorrhaging in pain. I was able to get back on my feet though but the damage made me figuratively walk in "scratches" of dismantled self-confidence, though I was able to rebuild it, the pain forever damage my self-esteem.

Of course there are plenty of reasons to look back in the past decade. Lots of beautiful things and realizations happened which fully developed my emotional maturity. I cried. I felt love and was able to see the real world with lots of complications and clutters. I discovered my weaknesses and strengths. I was able to go to far places like Baguio City and Manila in 2008, Camiguin this year and some side trip in-betweens. I also discovered that internet is not only for browsing topics for research but also for extra income.

In 2000, I realized that I should start meeting and talking with guys. For so long, I refused to be closed to any guys simply because I am afraid with them..hahaha! But no special relationships developed among those acquaintances because I find them extremely boring. In 2004, I felt my blood rose with pressure, so I asked God again to help me find "the one" but until 2006 arrived and departed, nothing happens. In 2007 I thought it was the year finally...well, finally, just like that...finally, I realized I am nothing but an extra character in all action movies worthy to be thrown and eliminated in the end.

Now, I want to try another plan, another dreams...I don't know what horrifying events again await me along the way, but whatever it is, I am confident I could wind up everything because I am already strong and better. I know already how to handle complexities...if ever I meet people with questionable motives, I know how to put my red flag on. I hope the coming decade would not punish me with so much pain, I am hoping this time, circumstances will cooperate finally.

So help me God...

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