My Cup of Tea

I've finally grown up. Emotionally.  I know it's not a phenomenon to brag on at the start of another year, others might find it completely nonsense and somewhat funny, but it's an assertion with myself that I finally get rid of those petty trepidations. It's a personal confrontation. Like facing the mirror, looking at my real self, groping where those hazy feelings of burdens, fears, apprehensions and discomforts hid. I've finally outgrown the fascination towards astrology. Back then, each new year I would scramble to search the internet how the stars and all those ancient symbols of horoscope would influence my fate, I would make frequent trips to the national bookstore to find books on tarot card readings, dreams interpretation and Chinese astrology hoping to get clear explanations why my life gone haywire. It's so stupid to think that I entertained these "little madness" when it's in direct defiance to my Catholic faith. Posit...

The trouble with life is, when you already figured out what you want and determined to get it that's when tiny pieces of emptiness started bursting, which made you feel like a total failure. Did I overestimated my plans and decisions and too confident with my journey? When I decided to come to Manila some months back, I thought there's no turning back, I thought that's all what  wanted. I was so preoccupied with the rosy thought of living in a bustling city where energy and fun never sleep, where dreamed job can be easily achieved, I was so busy thinking how I would spend each day strolling around the lively street and elegant landmarks, how I would spring to life and put color on it, how I would recapture the wasted moment of joy I did not truly experience in Davao. Excitement after excitement, fun after fun, leisure after leisure, until I got my first job and see the opposite side of it, reality started to sink in. The happiness I felt was very tempor...

Maybe I am too engrossed watching Legend of the Seeker series on DVD and could not get over with the magic and charm of adventure and fantasy but right now it seemed there's a part of me that has been released from the "spell" that incarcerated my system for the past years, a spell that almost destroy my self confidence and my self-worth and now finally it is lifted. It's just so funny to think but "spell", "magic", "tricks" we only heard from fantasy adventure stories can be so real at times. It seems we are bounded by a certain form of "spell" that made us to live as if somebody is controlling us, somebody is manipulating us and during those times that we are under this state we are unable to separate reasons from sentiments because we're so stupid to believe that what we currently see or feel is real but when that spell is lifted everything becomes very clear. But of course life is a journey and with this, comes m...

For the past months, years, decades perhaps, I made to believe myself I am a great failure, that I am worthless. The inspirational messages I heard and read about "valuing oneself" and "believing in your worth" just did not sink in my mind. It felt like I was bound to fail. So I hesitated doing things that might highlight failure.  This self-defeating concept gradually molded my perception about myself that eventually defined my journey. I was too scared to move away from my comfort zone, too terrified to try on many things which hampered my personal growth in the long run. This negative definition about myself intensified when I suffered one dreadful rejection episode in my life. It  sank my self-confidence and deepened my belief that I am not good on anything. It became a wound that badly damaged my self-esteem. But time heals all wounds, so they say. And for all those times that I was agonizing in pain over a failed "dream" I'd come to ...

It's the last week of February. Nothing extraordinary to look forward to except that I'll be facing another challenge--taking comprehensive exam. This is my last battle of survival in the graduate school and hopefully God will grant my prayer. I don't want to undergo a terrible episode of retaking some of the subjects, it's too costly and tedious. This month is just so stressful. I have to endure several misconceptions about myself but I tried not to be affected with animosities, as if nothings happened, as if everything is fine, but deep inside, I am bleeding, asking the same redundant question I kept murmuring for the past years "Oh God, what is it again!". Everything messes up. But I have to keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day and it's not going to be like this for the rest of the year. I was just misunderstood. Was I? Or I was just too defensive, trying to rationalize dreary things only myself cared. Yes, I am often misunderstood ...

Believe it or not, you may call it madness, but the only time in a year that I ever think about marriage is, well, during Valentine's day. I am simply tired thinking about it and because I have so many tasks to accomplish, and not to mention the rare supply of potential mates, I have no enough space to think about marrying soon.  I already stop moping over how I would snag a guy because my priorities in life had changed, I developed new goals and just devised a different life plan, eventually, the ridiculous saying "who ever comes " did not set quite well in my brain. Though I often think about settling down and having children, I rarely fret why it did not occur early in my life. It is simply ridiculous and stupid to get married for a wrong reason . Marriage is not an escape, it is an institution, therefore should be taken seriously with a correct mind set and not because you are being pressured by the people around you.  So today, while the whole universe...

One day more to go and 2011 will finally bid goodbye and now we will be entering the year which most fake visionaries, including one movie, predict the world will meet its tragic end. Of course most Catholics, including me, dismissed it as pure hogwash!Baloney! I am unfazed with all those signs they claimed, (yahoo news even published one article about these signs like global warming, strong solar flares affecting communication, giant asteroids closely passing dangesrously to earth, pole shift, strong volcanic eruptions, tsunami, typhoons, etc.) maybe we are just being abusive to the mother earth, prompting terrible calamities, hammering the world constantly with disastrous occurrences.  But anyway, though I firmly believed the mother earth would never come to an end, I could not deny the fact that global warming is happening, but this does not mean we will going to perish next year, I think global warming is a reality as the earth ages.  When I returned home las...

This morning I read one article about ...well...."Nothing lasts forever", such a great sharing from one blogger and felt what she had gone through..she ended the article with something like ".... so don't be too caught up with the past, just look forward to the future".... One day, things will change....everything will just be a hazy shadow of the past..but we must undergo a terrible sojourn of despair first before seeing what life has to offer on the other side of the road...after all...we cannot see a beautiful rainbow without passing a terrible rain.. Someday, everything makes sense....just got to make the best of the situations, sometimes because of our effort to hold on tight, we've got to lose the things we are trying hard to save. But that's life...and we must learn how to conform with the reality.... For so long, I've been keeping myself welded in one corner that I never realized time is slipping so fast. I was so cautious with m...

My humble apology did not set quite well and did not melt the stiffness that divide between the now visible barrier. So I lifted everything to God and just wait for the final judgment of my destiny. To save what is left for my system, I bushed myself with intense  household chores : scrubbing the floor, doing laundry, dragging my bed and the little wood cabinet into a different position. As if it was not enough, I buried myself into reading books until midnight then concluded the last 30 minutes listening to heartwarming songs to help me drift to sleep. Every time I am down and ready to freeze with emptiness, I seek comfort to music, from  James Ingram , to  Barry Manilow  to Serge Mendez to  Billy Ocean , sad and moving songs softly filled my spirit with its comforting melody and somehow lift the burden inside.  Well, when you are in the lowest point, it is easy to convince yourself that the world played unfairness and that you've h...

Great Lessons I learned and the things I love... 1. From Rissa Singson-Kawpeng "Take it from someone who prayed for two decades and concluded it wouldn't happen. But God is so great and so faithful".  2. From Bo Sanchez "You will never be completely healed if you don't recognize pain, if you don't acknowledge that you've been hurt!"  3. From Prince Charles, the Prince of Wales "Television is bad for children, it robs the natural imaginativeness of a child"  4. From Diana, Princess of Wales "A woman instinct is always accurate" (she uttered this line during her interview in 1995 with BBC news commentator, Martin Bashir. Well the late Princess of Wales is right. A woman instinct is always accurate) 5. From Pope John Paul II "It is in suffering that we see and experience the real love of Christ" (every time I suffer, I always remember this line from the late great pope) 6. From Jane Fonda ...