My Cup of Tea

Today is the last day of 2013, last night to be more specific! Oh, time really flew so fast. Right now, I am alone in the house. My sister went to Makati to spend New Year with some friends and since I am afraid of the explosion of firecrackers in the street I chose to stay here in Caloocan and officially, this is the first time in my life to welcome the New Year alone!! While waiting for the midnight to strike and witness the grand entrance of the year 2014 in my room (laugh!!), hearing all those awful blasting of dangerous elements everywhere and contemplating how to pull enough courage tomorrow to wind off fears of explosion on my way to the church (tomorrow is so significant, not only New Year, but a solemnity of the Virgin Mary, first Wednesday of the year! An important day of obligation for all Roman Catholics), I made another trip down-memory-lane to look back at the most important events of my life in 2013. I just feel this is a good way to end the year with great antici...

My sacrifices did not pay off. My effort went into drain. But I have no regrets, it taught me so many things in life, made me a better person and encouraged me more to believe in dreams. It was worth it. Sometimes we must allow ourselves to wander around and take risks, give up our comfort zone and undergo the dreadful pain and rejection so that we will know what are the things worth saving.  Life is a trial and error, we will lose some, gain some. Towards the end of the day, lessons will help us ponder on things that really matter in the end. Life is too short to be wasted on things that cannot be realized. It seemed I am begging for something that cannot be given to me and I felt tired doing it, finally. So I decided to quit and leave the battlefield, I am already wounded and to go on fighting is a deliberate suicide, I know I cannot win the war, even if I will crash all the obstacles, if the circumstances won’t cooperate, then the victory is like a far-flung ...

One of the most memorable stories I encountered in my Literature subject back in college was DEAD STAR, written by Paz Marquez Benitez. It was a good story of coming to terms with destiny. It narrates a story of passion and love felt by Alfredo Salazar towards Julia Salas. To make it short, they did not end up together. Salazar married another woman, Esperanza. Julia, on the other hand, moved to another town.  For the past eight years after Salazar got married, he seemed never gotten over Julia, his feeling remained, he was still nurturing some hope that he would see her again or be with her once again. One day he went on a business trip to Julia's town, then visited her at her house and experimentally held her hands to find out if the intensity of his love still exist. But he was surprised to find out that everything was no longer there anymore. That what he felt was only the product of his illusion and not real. Dead Star is used by the author to symbolize a d...

I squirmed hardly on my bed and surprised to see the clock ticking already past 9:00 in the morning. My head seemed ready to burst with intense pain that I got up swaying on my feet. I could scarcely recognize the  yellow airmail I put in my table to ponder on the contract sent by Dorrance Publishing, I planned to make a review on it but my mind seemed not cooperating. I hardly sleep last night with so much thoughts and anxieties tousled my troubled brain. What is it again? Barely two years, I found myself trailed again in the same route, this time, I am afraid everything will never turn out good. I am bitterly hurled on the wrong side of the road already and buried me as unrepentant fool. I tried to placate, sort of humility, but it seems everything had been shut down. My tired mind seemed run out of possible actions that could pacify a boiling spirit and all I could do now is to concede defeat. But deep inside I know I didn't mean anything, just want to show some degree ...

The year of the Metal Ox (2009) was not the kindest year, as far as my baffling destiny is concerned. It was the year I joggled from confusion to bewilderment to anxiety, I struggled to survive the months in-between with good sanity. Luckily, as the shrewd metallic tiger made a joyous entrance, I finally find peace of mind, rebuilding crumbled dreams and anticipating for a bright life ahead, steering my mind back to myself, as if I was stuck for so long in a freezing mountain of agony and finding myself again. In April, NTP's annual retreat was held in Cagayan de Oro and it was a very fulfilling and inspiring retreat. I laughed on top of my lungs and enjoyed every minute talking and sharing stuff with my colleagues. We had a side trip also to the beautiful island of Camiguin.  In May, I joined some of my colleagues at RMPC beach for our overnight adventure. It was a nice vacation, I got a chance to join male colleagues and discovered how hilarious they are when in the grou...

The little sh aky boat I carefully maneuvered for the past years finally sank. Though I anticipated its demise, I never thought it would come so drastically.  But why it happened? I asked this question endlessly until sunset. A year ago, my prayers became more intense and pleaded God to show his “special gift” before my age suffered a convulsion, but as days rolled into months and into years and into a decade, still no Prince Charming is visible in my horizon.  Until my longing became a real agony. Confusion and bitterness started to invade my tired brain. So much so, that when I spotted an opportunity to be closed to a good guy, I wasted no time. Well, that was a sort of eagerness that plunged me more to severe anxieties and heartaches due to a wrong footing of assumptions. That was so crazy and funny and stupid. He is an old acquaintance who reappeared during the time when confusion and fear of what's-coming-ahead swinging fast in my syst...

Like any other ordinary woman my age, I am eager to find out what life in the future looks like, so I started building dreams, formulating, experimenting tried and tested ways of uncovering mysteries about falling in love. But that was it, nothing more. No reciprocation or whatsoever. Towards April, my excitement grew as we're going to Baguio City for our retreat. It was my first time to travel via air, very memorable because it happened on my birthday!Wheew! no amount of happiness could describe my joy at that moment. We arrived in Manila at 9:30 in the morning.  It was a nice trip, lots of laughter, lots of thrill and great anticipation. We reached Baguio City at night and my stomach started to rumble with nausea. At Betania I found out that the weather was really intolerable so I trembled hard while unpacking my clothes.I went to bed each night with thickly covered clothes. We'd a nice session because or retreat master, Fr. Rex of the Society of Jesus of the Ateneo...

The year I ro de in life's thrill and excitement. Great anticipation filled the air. I thought this is the year of happiness and satisfaction, that soon I will be tripping down-the-aisle, gosh! Such a silly thought indeed. This was the year where I learned so many things in life, I finally conquered my inferiority complex and was able to get relax talking to guys. This is the year I finally discovered I had this capacity to care for a person. It was great. I gave every attention I could think for a person. It was also a trying year for me, balancing my common sense and instinct. It felt like all my fears and hesitations towards life finally lifted from my system. I told myself to stop holding back from taking a risk so I started fighting what I knew was right. I was ready to try by then. In December, I didn't return home because I was saving hard for our Baguio trip on the following April (2008) for our annual retreat so I just stayed in the boarding house wi...

Two Thousand Six .  I was bubbly, vibrant and full of great anticipation for the best outcome.  New hope, new beginnings, new start. It seemed everything was perfect. I made a return to my old job which I missed terribly. My hands were full of expectations and excitement. I was able to unite with my old friends and had a wonderful reunion. I also had a great crush working at Sun Cellular, hahaha!Oh such a very foolish feeling then I found out he has a live-in partner, Arrgggh! So the emotion died a natural death hehe!  I celebrated my birthday with two of my good friends at Kuya Ed because there's a package called "free birthday treat for the celebrant" so I was able to save, hehehe! After living several months with a relative somewhere in Maa, I decided to live in a rented room near the school I worked with.  I lived in a room with three other occupants and I became closed to them, I got to know lots of people, met new friends and wished that my life would t...

A very agonizing year for me. So many sad events happened, so many frustrating circumstances occurred. Two Thousand five was the year I lost some of the most important people I adored and loved. In January, my paternal grandmother suffered a bad fall and had a hip fracture, she was 97 years old and despite her frail body she still sufficient energy to move around. She would love to talk, loved to read books (at her age she never wear eyeglass, she had a fantastic eyesight until her death), loved to share stories from her younger days. What amazed me was her ability to recall significant events in her life, at her ripe age she had a terrific memory. My grandmother was a woman of deep faith in God, she had served the Catholic church as mother’s butler for most of her life and part of the Apostolada group, she prayed the rosary everyday, novena and never missed Sunday masses. Her intense devotion to the Catholic faith influenced all of us in the family and her passion in servi...

Two Thousand and Four. Another milestone.... After spending two years in the province, turning down two job opportunities (one in a rural bank and one in a government office) I decided to go back to the city.  My parents thought I was mad for refusing two wonderful jobs, but I felt life would be totally miserable if I would remain in a remote place where luck equates madness. Traveling back to the city gave me hope and freedom. It felt as though my spirit had a total make-over and my self-esteem regained its lost magic. A former colleague and good friend, Helen Montero, was generous enough to welcome me into her home. Finally, I landed a job in a travel placement company with a boss I often described as impossibly arrogant and rude, less than two months later, I quit. I spent Valentine's Day with my former colleagues dining until the wee hours. It was truly liberating, we hopped from one restaurant to another. Then came April. The month I dreadfully described as revolting....