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Friday, February 4, 2011

My Year 2009

The little shaky boat I carefully maneuvered for the past years finally sank. Though I anticipated its demise, I never thought it would come so drastically. 

But why it happened? I asked this question endlessly until sunset.

A year ago, my prayers became more intense and pleaded God to show his “special gift” before my age suffered a convulsion, but as days rolled into months and into years and into a decade, still no Prince Charming is visible in my horizon. 

Until my longing became a real agony.

Confusion and bitterness started to invade my tired brain. So much so, that when I spotted an opportunity to be closed to a good guy, I wasted no time. Well, that was a sort of eagerness that plunged me more to severe anxieties and heartaches due to a wrong footing of assumptions.

That was so crazy and funny and stupid.

He is an old acquaintance who reappeared during the time when confusion and fear of what's-coming-ahead swinging fast in my system like metronomes, when emptiness rapidly thumping on my chest like crazy butterflies. 

Because of the constant pressure from the people who lacked common sense, I succumbed to the most stupid mistake of assuming things wrongly. Darn, I thought I have the most accurate "instinct", but I was terribly mistaken because I missed the real point..I foolishly believed in my own illusion without considering a nagging reality that quivering underneath.

That it was just a wrong signal brought by a bad weather.

But because I was on the verge of EAGERNESS, you know eager to have someone, eager to discover the mystery of the birds and the bees, eager to know him better and eager to be closed to a guy once in a lifetime, I thoroughly gave him license to cross my boundaries, and before I knew the protruding danger, it’s too late to wheel back.

At first I pretended everything was okay and I tried believing in my own judgment, discarding warning from my friends that I might get hurt in the end or he might just "using" me for something. I never listen to them because I trusted my instinct, my stupid, idiot instinct, well maybe because he was too good to cause emotional harm.

So I tolerated the messy circumstances. It was so messy that sometimes sent my mood to purgatory. Well, it appeared to be perfect at first that I thought God played favoritism in me and granted everything I requested.

You know when the shades of light...the bright morning...the leaves...and the raindrops... suddenly shimmered with unrealistic sparks, when the tiny details about that person that are insignificant to others seemed fascinating to you...well...that’s what I thought about L-Love...urrgggh!..crazy stuff about love. Without thinking these silly thoughts had nothing to do with reality, I mean with opinions of the "other person".

Now I understand that feeling could not be bartered, it will just come naturally...sadly it did not come naturally to him...he felt another person..oucchhh!

Of course life is what we make it and we are responsible for our own happiness, we are free to make our own choices where we could be happy...that's what he did exactly...a decision that should be respected...of course...

Everything fizzled that day.

I went home with a dilapidated heart, unsure how to renovate it. I just wish God will touch it to regain its lost luster. Spending holidays with family and friends temporarily gave me relief.

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