Disappointing Moment

“Happiness is like a butterfly

The more you chase it the more it eludes you

But if you turn your attention to other things

It comes and sits softly in your shoulder”

-       Henry David Thoreau

Life can be so unpleasant sometimes. Fragmented. Wretched. Contrite.

You never know what moment in a day a ghastly feeling would strike. It just bursts somewhere. And for a splitting second, a once rosy disposition suddenly replaced with gloom.

I felt extremely disappointed today, really, really bad. The feeling of rejection is all over my system once again. 

Why I have to feel this way Lord? I have no reason to complain in the first place, everyone has the right to enjoy, to make decisions, to choose who they want to be with, but why I mope?Why I brood on something beyond my control?

The day turned horribly wrong, I don’t know what it is that makes the whole thing totally messy and disappointing. Maybe because of the gloomy weather, maybe because I was turned down badly. Maybe I expected too much. Maybe I am an idiot.

A sting of torment is gushing again. Why is it that just when I thought I found something that can make me happy, an awful element of blues quickly intrudes?

I stood up and darted my gaze outside the window. Rain started pouring in followed by the whizzing of strong winds which made me feel like a lonely prisoner waiting for another agonizing day in solitude. But this has been my life routine for decades why on earth I am still surprised with the dreadful effect of isolation?

I got up and reached a cup of hot green tea hoping it will help pacify the thrashing of my ribcage. I like its bitter taste, it provides relief to throbbing emotions, it helps me forget temporarily the feeling of distress and sadness. It comforted my mind from pain.

In my effort to chase happiness, I unintentionally heaved myself into desolation and rejection which made me trampled more into misery. It seems pretty bad to hunt happiness after all.

And for this moment in a day, I felt nothing but wretchedness and antipathy towards myself.

Well, if you are really having a bad day, disappointing moment, it's so easy to convince yourself you've months of bad days, that it rained every minute of it and that you're painfully ugly and undesirable.

I am not perfect, I have many shortcomings too, I lack certain elements of beauty and attractiveness and maybe due to these personal detriments I ambitiously longed for someone to assure me that life is always fair, that happiness is for everyone, that there’s still a certain magic left in this world that can turn me into a superwoman --- desirable, important, needed, wanted, suitable. But these are all illusions.

The rain subsided. Another moment has passed. Silence followed. I looked at myself with some brush of disgust but quickly released a deep hard breath, looking at the lovely leaves outside the window that seemed dancing at the touch of the afternoon winds. I know tomorrow will be different. It's not going to be like this all the time. A kink of loneliness is always temporary.

I reached another cup of green tea...